Another Url, Another Planet

Fabio Capello's master plan to take England to the World Cup final is finally taking shape.

On the evidence seen so far, truly it is something of a fantasy.

The sorry bunch of posers (Wayne Rooney, our only hope and Sid Vicious-like talisman ready to self-destruct at any moment, excepted) that represent our once proud nation may fail even to qualify for the 'It's A Knockout' stages let alone reach the final for what would be our finest hour-and-half (plus extra-time and penalties, if needed) for 44 years.

If by some bloody miracle we do reach the final, I just hope we don't live to regret not thinking about a master plan to actually win it.

But our preparations - highlights of which include being thoroughly outplayed at Wembley by Mexico and only winning by virtue of having taller players and then today in Austria being thoroughly outplayed by the equally diminutive Japan and only winning by virtue of two fortuitous own goals - are now over.

Even if he won't be singing God Save The Queen, at least Capello now knows who his 23 will be. Here, I can exclusively reveal who they will be and why.

In goal

In reverse order, building from the back as all England teams do, Capello already knew who his three goalkeepers would be.

David James, who has made something of a career littered with often hilarious yet calamitous mistakes (which must give hope for the future to Ben Foster), was first choice until his injury at Portsmouth allowed Rob Green, who seems to be compiling his own personal back catalogue of often hilarious yet calamitous mistakes, to take over.

Ironically, the best of the lot could be the young but inexperienced third choice Joe Hart.

While I think Capello must have been tempted by James's much greater experience, I think he will stick with Rob Green to start knowing that he has capable back up if needed due to loss of form, injury or suspension.

1  Robert GREEN

At the back

Lazily rolling the ball out to the defence, Capello knows his preferred back four of Glen Johnson, captain Rio Ferdinand, John Terry and Ashley Cole, the two Chelsea players competing for the role of Johnny Rotten.

The question is, how does he balance the ideal of having like-for-like back up while making sure he has enough options to cover for lack of form and fitness after injury?

That will depend to some extent on Gareth Barry's injury as he would be the natural choice to cover for Ashley Cole and a better option, if fit, than the specialist left back Leighton Baines, who has looked out of his depth at this level.

2  Glen JOHNSON 3  Ashley COLE 4  Gareth BARRY 5  Rio FERDINAND 6  John TERRY

In the middle

Calmly passing the ball out to the midfield, again Capello knows his first choice is for Frank Lampard to partner Gareth Barry in the middle, with Steven Gerrard and Theo Walcott out wide.

With Barry's injury it's likely that Gerrard will be asked to fill in centrally in preference to an out-of-sorts Michael Carrick or the impressive but still inexperienced James Milner, who will be trusted to take Gerrard's starting place on the left in England's first game against the USA.

7  Theo WALCOTT 8  Frank LAMPARD

Up front

Desperately hoofing the ball up to the forwards now and giving the ball away, bizarrely we once again have the lovely Emile Heskey as our first choice centre forward.

It's like being back in 2002 all over again, except that back then Heskey was just a lumbering hulk of long-ball fodder who couldn't score a goal even if you put it in front of him and offered him £50,000 a week.

Heskey's England career, like Gareth Barry's of course, was reconstructed by former England manager and still object of derision (mostly for being so wet, despite sensibly opting for an umbrella to keep the rain off while his England team failed not to lose their must-not-lose game against Croatia) Steve McLaren.

Even so, Heskey is believed to be Rooney's preferred strike partner, presumably because he makes him look even better.

9  Emile HESKEY 10 Wayne ROONEY 11  Steven GERRARD

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJmouowPH5k

Left back at home

I think Capello must have been tempted to take only three specialist, but versatile central defenders as cover - King (who can also play a holding role in midfield), Jamie Carragher (who can cover both full-back roles as just as badly as centre back) and Matt Upson (who could conceivably cover at left-back if needed).

The advantage of taking Baines as well is that even if we had three players out with injury or suspension we would still have a defender on the bench.

But Capello must surely think that better options, in the unlikely event they are even needed, are the versatility of Michael Carrick, who has played a central defensive role a couple of times for United and James Milner, who can fill in on either flank as a full-back. Christ, I'd rather have Gerrard and Rooney at full back than Baines.

Stephen Warnock and Michael Dawson are untested alternatives and I don't see the point of Leighton Baines so I don't see how Capello can either.

12  David JAMES 13  Jamie CARRAGHER 14  Ledley KING 15  Matt UPSON

Passed out

The other benefit of not taking Leighton Baines is that it frees up a place for a more attack-minded player.

While Capello has a had a good look at Tom Huddlestone, who has played well for Spurs this season, I think he will miss out along with Scott Parker who was the injury reserve and stick with the experience of Michael Carrick, despite his fairly miserable recent run of form.

Aaron Lennon is the preferred like-for-like replacement for Walcott.

16  Aaron LENNON 17  Michael CARRICK 18  James MILNER

Bent over

Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe were always certainties to go and Darren Bent never really had a chance.

19  Peter CROUCH 20  Jermain DEFOE

Tossed off

Joe Cole, who must think he looks more and more like a fat Joe Cole with every pie he eats, offers experienced and creative cover in any attacking midfield role.

That leaves exciting new boy Adam Johnson fighting for a place with his little big-club team-mate Shaun Wright-Phillips, who, like Glenn Matlock, can feel a little hard done by.

Just like at City, expect Johnson, who can genuinely play on either wing, to get the nod in the potential-matchwinner-who-won't-even-get-on role.

21  Joe COLE 22  Adam JOHNSON 23  Joe HART

So there you have it, to put you out of your misery two days early.

Thank me in the comments.

Dear Theresa May,

Please grant Kiana Firouz refugee status as soon as possible. As a lesbian, she would be in danger of flogging and execution if she is sent back to Tehran. The Conservative and Liberal Democrat coalition agreement states that the government will "Stop deportation of asylum seekers who had to leave home countries because of intimidation over sexual orientation." Please stand by this by immediately granting Kiana Firouz asylum. I saw you on BBC Question Time last week and commend you for changing your views on gay adoption and in supporting the human rights of two allegedly terrorist suspects so that they will not be deported to Pakistan. Please show the same humanity to Kiana.

Thank you,

David Marsden

On Another Planet this week: controversial new government plans to tackle ever increasing worklessness using waterboarding.

Techniques refined and perfected by secret military personnel known only by their codename 'Our Boys' are being piloted by the NHS in an effort to 'encourage and empower' people claiming statutory sick pay to return to work.

One persistent malingerer, who asked not to be identified, claimed that he was subjected to an horrific ordeal at the hands of his torturers and says he was tricked into believing he was just playing a game of 'doctors and nurses'.

'I always liked playing doctors and nurses when I was a kid' said Roger (not his real name).

Over to Roger to tell the rest of his story.

I received a phone call from my local hospital telling me I had an appointment with the chest consultant I'd seen before. I thought it was a bit odd, because I'd seen the surgeon who operated on me only the previous day, but I went in anyway. I felt I could trust these people after they did such a great job of fixing my lung. Anyway, when I got there, they made me wait for an hour as usual, then a pretty young student doctor asked if I minded if she sat in on my appointment? How could I say no? I could barely speak with my tongue hanging out like that. So I just nodded and wiped the dribble from the side of my mouth hoping she hadn't noticed. When I got to see the consultant himself I thought it was a bit odd that he was wearing full Nazi regalia, but he seemed like a nice guy and to know his stuff. "Don't rush back to work", he said. "Now, about this bronchoscopy. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be OK. I'm 90% sure everything's fine. People say it tickles a little bit, but you'll have a sedative and some local anaesthetic that they put up your nose and on the back of your throat. That will make you cough, but it's really nothing to worry about." "Fine, I'll do it" I told him. So this week I went in for my 'bronchoscopy'. After waiting the requisite hour, I was hurried into the day surgery operating theatre by a pretty young nurse and ignored by the doctor. Another nurse made small talk with me to reassure me. I clambered on to the operating table so that I was sat upright with my legs outstretched. The second nurse put a bib on me to deal with my dribbling while the doctor chatted with his friend on his mobile. "Hi, I'm Dr Heydrich" he said to me finally. Although I was feeling relaxed at this point I suddenly felt a twinge of anxiety. "I'm going to put some anaesthetic gel up your nose" he said as he squirted anaesthetic gel up my nose. The second nurse then stuffed a tube up my left nostril saying, "Don't worry, it's only oxygen." I looked at her and she had donned what looked like a welder's visor. "You look like you're about to do some welding" I said. "It's just to protect myself from any splatter" she replied. Another twinge. "OK, open your mouth, please" said Heydrich, "I'm going to spray some anaesthetic on the back of your throat. It tastes very strongly of bananas" he added as he sprayed what tasted like banana flavoured liqueur on to the back of my throat, making me cough. "Just a little bit more" he said. "Uuurrrghhh" I said. "Uuuurrrghhh." "It's OK, said the second nurse, holding my head down with her hand, "It makes you feel like there's a ball in your throat and you can't swallow." "Uuuurggghh! Uuuurggghhh!!!" I repeated. Heydrich then took what I had thought was a stethoscope and zoomed towards me with the bright flashing end of it and shoved it up my right nostril. "Aaarrrgghhh!!" I said. "Let's try the other one" said Heydrich. They swapped the oxygen for the stethoscope, which then dropped out of my traumatised right nostril. "Aaarrgghh!!! Aaarrggghh!!!" I said. That hurt even more than the right one did. The second nurse (I don't know what the first nurse was doing, but she was there afterwards) then pushed something into my mouth, saying "Open your mouth and hold it with your teeth." Heydrich zoomed back into view. "We'll try it through the mouth", he said, as he pushed the thick black fibre-optic tube down my throat. "Uuuurggghhh!!! Aaaarrrggghhh!!!!" I tried to cough and splutter, but my throat was numb and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was drowning. "Uuurggghhh!!! Aaaarggghhh!!" I panicked and pulled the tube out, gasping for breath. "I can't do it" I cried, literally, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I can't do it. I'll go back to work. I promise!"

Over. Roger and out.

Another Planet understands that if this pilot is successful, then the procedure will be rolled out to the rest of the UK in the coming months.

As Nick Clegg-Hess, Deputy Prime Minister, said, "What we need is strong, stable government. That means we must weaken and destabilise people who are not working for whatever reason and by any means necessary to get them to conform and work to pay our taxes. This is about control and maintenance of the status quo. Anyone who thinks otherwise is sadly deluded and will be dealt with accordingly. Waterboarding is an effective and reliable means of manipulating even the craziest of people to do what we want them to do. It's in the national interest to get people off benefits and into work and we will do whatever it takes to make that happen, even if it means torturing people after they have already confessed."

On a more serious note, I'm open to suggestions for other medical procedures you'd like me to blog about. Let me know your ideas in the comments!