Canonical demon Mark Shuttlecock today launched the latest of his life-threatening initiatives CNL, a Unix-like computer operating system developed by the Ubuntu project composed wholly of the best bits of free and non-free software so that it just bloody well works.
Several leading members of the Free Software community spontaneously combusted on hearing the news while the Free Software Foundation has issued a fatwā calling for Mr Shuttlecock to be forcibly detained against his will until he 'opens up' and agrees to comply with Freedom. CNL is believed by some to be a deliberately provocative recursive word-play.
It has been reported that an as yet unnamed spokesperson for Canonical has already been summarily hunted down, tied up and thrown into the nearest river to drown by a group of neckbeard-wearing Free Software enthusiasts.
Fear And Loathing In Ma's Basement
Neckbeards are believed to have developed from a fork in homo sapiens' evolution when their brains became too large and heavy to be supported by their necks alone. The characteristic neckbeard is an adaptive genetic mutation (neckbeardism), therefore, giving extra strength and ballast to support these super-brains, but at the expense of an almost complete loss of ability to see anything from anyone else's point of view.
This makes neckbeards inherently vulnerable to attack from the side or from behind and as a result they generally avoid open places due to their lack of social skills and feelings of persecution. The original cave-dwellers, they tend to prefer the safety of underground bunkers or, in reality, the security of their mother's windowless basement.
Another curious manifestation of neckbeardism is that the feet of those afflicted continue to grow in adulthood. Left unchecked they are rendered completely immobile and unable to go outside. This is why you often see a neckbeard with his foot in his mouth or picking the skin off his feet and eating it in order to compensate for the otherwise unmanageable foot growth.
They are believed to communicate with each other via secret tunnels and coded grunting and although there is evidence that they have developed highly sophisticated electronic networks these are generally too esoteric for the normal population to understand or use.
