After just two days of the Pope's visit to the UK four games of the English Premier League, the table already has a familiar look about it with the Big Four of Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United and LiverBlackpool occupying the European Champions League qualifying places. The top three remain unbeaten.

Bottom-feeding

Carlo Ancelloti's Champions Chelsea have been on a bottom-feeding frenzy from the start and are the only team to have picked up maximum points with a huge sixteen goal difference. Not that the Rentboys have had to overcome much resistance so far from West Brom, Wigan, Stoke or West Ham, all in the bottom four and all likely candidates to go down. Having Michael Essien back in the side and on form after his long injury absence, however, is undoubtedly a massive boost for them, as is the continued good form of Florent Malouda.

I just wonder how they will cope with any long-term injuries this season as their squad looks a bit light on senior players. Cover for Petr Cech are the unproven Hilario and Turnbull. With Ferreira, Ivanovic and Yuri Zhirkov (not to be confused with Youri Djorkaeff) as defensive back-up to Bosingwa, Alex, Terry and Ashley Cole, that looks just about adequate. But a midfield quartet of Mikel, Essien, Lampard and Malouda has only Ramires, Zhirkov and Benayoun in reserve. The front duo of Anelka and Drogba are supported by Kalou and Daniel Sturridge. They will expect to win the League again, but also the European Cup as well. I wonder if they have the strength in depth to do that?

Catholic priest

After somewhat luckily rescuing a point from a game they should have won at ten-man Liverpool, Arsenal thrashed ten-man Blackpool and ten-man Bolton with a good win at Blackburn snook in between. The Gunners' shooting down of three of the smaller Lancashire clubs has come at a price, though, losing Robin van Persie and Theo Walcott to injuries in addition to the already injured Aaron Ramsey.

Arsene Wenger must surely regret not signing a new goalkeeper to replace Manuel Almunia, who has looked about as safe a pair of hands as a Catholic priest looking for the soap in a bath full of kids. Talking of which, Wenger has groomed some good young talent in Clichy, Fabregas, Gibbs and Wilshere. In Eboue, Squillaci, Djourou and Gibbs he has adequate defensive cover for Sagna, Koscielny, Vermaelen and Clichy. He has Rosicky or Wilshere to replace Walcott, and Diaby and Denilson to cover for Fabregas, Alex Song and Nasri. Without van Persie, Wenger has Arshavin and Chamakh, with Bendtner and  Vela in reserve.

Once again, I think Arsenal will find they don't have the quality in the squad, particularly at the back, nor the mental or physical strength to challenge for any of the major honours, unless Wenger prioritises the English cups. The best they can hope for in the League is third again, but I wouldn't be surprised to see them slip out of the top four altogether.

Cottagers

United really should have twelve points, but sloppily conceded late equalising goals at Fulham and Everton as well as declining the gift of a penalty from the Cottagers. Having said that, it's better than we did last season against those two. Added to that, comfortable home wins against Newcastle United and West Ham and the good form of Scholes and Berbatov have to be set against the continued absence of Owen Hargreaves and his wonky knees, the loss of Antonio Valencia and the poor form of our defenders (Vidic, excepted).

Maybe Rio Ferdinand coming back will improve the defence, but how long can he stay fit? Jonny Evans has looked shaky in his place and Smalling is unproven, as is Fabio. A return to form and fitness for any of Gary Neville, Rafael and Brown would see them preferred to O'Shea, who looks to be lacking in match fitness and confidence after his return from injury. Without Valencia, a lot will depend on Nani's ability to sustain his recent improvement. Obertan, Park and Giggs are our other wing options. As well as Hargreaves, the midfield would welcome back a fit and in form Anderson. Likewise for Carrick. In their absence we only really have Gibson as cover for Fletcher and Scholes. Up front we have Chicharito, Owen and Kiko to step in should Berbatov or Rooney be unable to score.

United will also be looking to win the title and the Champions League again, but I think that will depend on fixing the defence, a return to form of at least one of Anderson and Carrick and Chicharito or Owen chipping in with goals (assuming that Berbatov and Rooney get their share).

Miracles

Newly promoted Blackpool are the surprise package so far, with great wins at Wigan and Newcastle. After their six-nil loss to The Gooners they drew with Fulham in their first game back at the revamped Bloomfield Road stadium. I don't see how they have any chance of staying up.

Also unbeaten are Birmingham and Fulham, in fifth and sixth place in the table, with one win and three draws each. Home wins against West Ham and Everton see Aston Villa in seventh despite losses at Newcastle and Stoke. I can't see it getting better for any of these teams. The horrible Fulham Chairman truly is a fantasist if he believes that Mark Hughes can get his club into the Champions League and I don't expect Gerard Houllier to be able to perform any greater miracles than Martin O'Neill.

Young Boys

Despite seeing off Liverpool three-nil at Wastelands, City lost to a last-minute winner at Sunderland, scraped a draw at Spurs - thanks to Joe Hart's inspired goalkeeping - and managed only to avoid defeat at home to Blackburn. They lead a group of six teams with only one win (and one defeat) each, including Spurs and Liverpool. After playing with Young Boys in the Champions League Qualifying Round Spurs lost at home to Wigan and drew at West Brom. The Scousers recovered from a sticky start to win at home to West Brom and get a typical nil-nil draw at Birmingham. Wolves, Sunderland and Bolton will be happy to be in the same company.

City will expect to finish in the top four at the very least. If Roberto Mancini can find a first eleven that clicks then I could see them challenging. They suddenly have a core of English players in Hart, Richards, Lescott, Barry, Adam Johnson and Milner to complement their horde of foreign mercenaries, but they currently look too defensive with a midfield three of Barry, de Jong and Yaya Toure. Mancini has five strikers, but is playing Tevez alone up front. I think he will need to find a way to get Adebayour, Santa Cruz, Jo or Bolatelli contributing goals, too.

Spurs have defensive problems in the absence of Michael Dawson through injury and Ledley King's ongoing battle for fitness. It will be interesting to see how last minute signing Rafael van der Vaart fits into their team. Liverpool, under new manager Roy Hodgson, must see the Europa League as their only hope of success this season.

Bishops

Of the teams on four points, West Brom have had the hardest start on their return to the top flight with fixtures at Chelsea and Liverpool and at home to Spurs. Wigan recovered from thrashings at home to Blackpool and Chelsea by winning at Spurs, while Newcastle thrashed Aston Villa, but lost at United and at home to Blackpool. Blackburn, under Sam Allardyce, will expect to improve.

Of the bottom three, Stoke have been beaten by the odd goal in three of their four games and will expect to improve. Everton, looking like a bunch of Anglican bishops at a reception for the head an international paedophile ring in their delightful pink away shirts, lost at Blackburn on the opening day. They got off to a bad start last season, but should improve quickly.

Happy Yom Kippur!

Lastly, West Ham.

If [Avram] Grant were to arrive in Stoke before nightfall on Friday, attend a synagogue service in the area, return there on Saturday morning and then walk to to the stadium, without coming into contact with his players, it might be considered acceptable. Particularly if he then returned to a synagogue after the match, although again he would be expected to walk - and not in leather shoes.

Sounds like the offside rule.

[caption id="attachment_358" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption=""It's all gone quiet." said Roobarb. "Too quiet." said Custard."][/caption]

Day One

Upset stomach, bathroom, wash hands, upset stomach, bathroom, wash hands, blackcurrant drink (the electrolyte kind, replaces your depleted water and body salts), Lomotil, bathroom, wash hands, random chest/lung pain, upset stomach, bathroom, wash hands, drink, generally feel unwell, pooter, microblog, pooter, microblog, UPSET STOMACH, go to bathroom, wash hands, go to sleep.

Day One

Wake on two hours sleep, cry, no cough, no coffee, no cereal, no blow, walk around, bathroom, wash hands, electrolytes, Lomotil, stuff kleenex up nose, wash hands, nap, more stuff up nose, wash hands, try to eat, nap, wake up not eating, nap, drain, wash hands, read side effects, load Spotify, make playlist for neckbeard people, no dinner, dry toast, change clothes, blow nose, sniffle, cry, take Lomotil, sleep. But not before Lomotil Poodle visits and makes a few suggestions, like “you should shit in your pants and install Windows!” Ignore Lomotil Poodle, sleep.

Day One

Sleep fitfully for 3 hours, wake up way past 3 am, no breakfast, forget to drink coffee, try to get up, curse the darkness, lay on bed, groan, move to sofa, groan, go back to bed, sleep, groan, cry, rumble, bathroom, wash hands, cry, rumble, bucket, wash hands, sleep, get up before lighttime, stare at food, groan, find out you’ve had another shift, wash clothes, wash hands: “5AM – ???”; consider career as sith and/or Lomotil Poodle, complain to no one in particular, no beer, chocolate croissants, inevitable comeback, mood improving, intestines still, (there may or may not have been dancing at this point), spin superhits of the Super 80s, “neckbeard guy from identi.ca thanks you for the Awesome Cool,” thank them for their support by playing Robert Smith whining over Gothic new wave, juice, microblog, soup, dry bread, microblog, Lomotil, sleep.

Day Two

Stay home. Sleep. Think about how much fun it is cooking rhubarb.

[caption id="attachment_360" align="aligncenter" width="420" caption="I didn't have any custard."][/caption]

With apologies and credit due to Frankenstein Jones' 'How To Double Your Blog Readership In One Mighty Pretty Cute Cat Picture Post'.

Disclaimer: no kittens were harmed during the making of this blog post.

The death of a nightclub bouncer. A man, we're led to believe, with a history from an early age of bullying, violence and intimidation of others. A man known to mental health and social services for refusing to take up the offer of the help that he had asked for. A man with connections to known criminals and a long list of arrests and charges against him including conspiracy to murder. And, up until his recent conviction and imprisonment for assaulting his own child, a man who seemed to have somehow 'got away with it all'.

My gut feeling - and without professing any expert knowledge - is that he was what I would call a vicious bully with a highly controlling, suspicious and self-centred personality. It seems clear he planned the murder of his ex-girlfriend's new partner and the attempted murders of his ex-girlfriend and a police officer while in prison. He 'forced' or manipulated several others to help him. It sounds like he had every intention of killing or maiming more. He had every chance to hand himself in peacefully and every chance not to kill himself.

I don't doubt that he may well have been depressed, angry, frightened. Especially when cornered by the police. He may even have been paranoid and rightly so, given the incredible and heavily armed forces of the state out to get him. But at no time did he ever show any inclination to accept responsibility for his own actions. His pitiful apologies to his ex-girlfriend for shooting her while claiming it was her fault for provoking him were shallow in the extreme. A desperate attempt, by a desperate man, to evade responsibility and put the blame others.

I also don't doubt that he was highly adept at presenting to his so-called friends and acquaintances a charming, friendly, helpful front, while privately abusing those weaker and much more vulnerable who were closest to him - his girlfriends and children.

I don't doubt that it's a miracle his then three year old daughter survived a fall from their flat several stories up after she somehow dragged her bed to the window and climbed up to the open window from where she fell.

If this all sounds terribly unsympathetic, that's because I don't have any sympathy for someone who did what he did. His was NOT a crime of passion. It was planned, cold-blooded murder and attempted murder. Not the behaviour of someone with mental health difficulties.

Any time someone commits an horrific act of violence, mental illness seems to be assumed by the media to be a factor and often 'confirmed' retrospectively by the authorities in the course of legal proceedings.

I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. Mentally ill people do sometimes commit horrific acts of violence. But it's actually quite rare despite the sensationalised and stigmatising media coverage that goes with it tarring with the same brush the vast majority of people with mental health difficulties who, in my experience, are some of the most honest and gentle people you could wish to meet.

Having said all of that, any loss of life is sad. And I do believe that our society has a lot to answer for in terms of people's upbringing, emotional development and mental welfare. Things could have been very different, I'm sure, with a bit more love and care. I hope we can all do our bit to change how things are.

One final point. Many people seem to be trying to say the police 'executed' him by Tasering and causing him to involuntarily pull the trigger on himself. My guess is that they have a plan for such situations and when he started talking about saying sorry and goodbye they knew he was about to shoot himself. That's why they tried to Taser him in a last-ditch attempt to save his life and bring him to justice. Maybe they could have tried other strategies. Maybe some of this will come out in the inquiries.

Of course, I could be entirely wrong. I'm only going on what's been reported in the media, like everyone else, and my own interpretation of that. It's almost certainly much more likely that he was a CGI character created by psyops to send a message to the lizard people about starting the next world war with Iran.

Dear Amazon,

I just wanted to let you know that the courier firm you use for next-day delivery of Amazon Prime ordered goods are completely incompetent.

You know them as CityLink. I call them ShittyLink.

I timed my order so that delivery would be on a day when I was at home. They were supposed to deliver Tuesday 13 July. I waited in all day. Nothing.

Checked the tracking information on their website throughout the day. Nothing. Only after 5:30 did they update it to say that delivery had been attempted 'but no one was in and card left'.

Nobody attempted delivery and no card was left.

Phoned to arrange redelivery for today 15 July, when I'm at home again as I was out all yesterday. ShittyLink acknowledge they agreed to this request. Tracking information states they tried to deliver again yesterday, no one was in (of course) and the left a card (which, of course, they didn't).

Phoned them again just now and they 'offered' to ask one of their drivers to see if he could deliver it 'on his way home'. I declined this 'offer' and requested that they guarantee delivery today as agreed previously, along with a card apologising for being lying, incompetent bastards who make Amazon look stupid and treat their Prime paying customers with utter contempt.

This whole thing (not the first time this has happened, either) makes me want to stop buying from Amazon. I hope you will take this seriously in spite of my obvious and justified anger and sarcasm.

Yours sincerely,

A pissed off customer.

[caption id="attachment_342" align="aligncenter" width="472" caption="FAIL"][/caption]

Update: reply from Amazon:

Dear Mr. Marsden, Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk with your comments about Citylink. I am very sorry to hear that you are not satisfied with the service that you have received. We are committed to delivering your order from the moment it is placed. We take full responsibility should any item become lost or damaged while being delivered and we are more than happy to replace these items at our own cost. This is not a common occurrence but when it does happen, we will endeavour to find a solution. Please be assured that we monitor the service that our carriers provide and if we feel that the service reflects negatively upon Amazon.co.uk, we will take measures to ensure corrective actions are taken. The feedback that you have provided will be used in our efforts to improve the service. At the moment, we are not able to promise you that your future orders will not be dispatched by this method, but will continue working with all of our carriers to drive improvements for our customers. We apologise for any inconvenience caused by this issue and hope this will not discourage you from shopping with Amazon.co.uk in the future. Did I solve your problem? Warmest regards Claire Amazon.co.uk Your feedback is helping us build Earth's Most Customer-Centric Company.

If England's game against Algeria had been a Wimbledon tennis match, the two sides would still be at it today with the Dutch Master Johan Cruyff declaring it the greatest example of Total Crap Football ever played.

Both sets of players would be awarded (honorary) knighthoods for their part in simulating Barnsley versus Grimsby Town at a freezing cold Oakwell on New Year's Day in the late 1990s/early 2000s and no doubt the two managers would be encased in marble as a living testament to their obduracy.

And if the first round of group games were like pure-grade heroin cut with shavings of Clive Tyldesley and smuggled past England's Robert Green at UK border control, I have to admit that I overdosed, taking up to six hours a day for more than a week.

After an early rush of excitement, I fell into a deep reverie induced by triple daily doses of drab defensive displays before finally lapsing into a tactical coma, waking up just in time for this Sunday's World Cup Final showdown between England and Germany.

Having beaten the USA in the knockout stages, Fabio Capello must be delighted that his masterplan has come to fruition and England are within 90 minutes of lifting the Jules Rimet trophy once more.

A valiant effort, all the more remarkable as we have scored only two goals in the process of knocking out the most powerful nation on earth (truly, an us against US game if ever there was one), the tricky North Africans and then the smallest footballing nation at the Finals, Slovenia.

I take my hat off to Fabio and his men and will go on to eat it for dinner, too, as I was convinced we really didn't have a hope in hell of seeing this dream come true.

As a tribute, I offer my exclusive guide to The World Cup On Drugs for your viewing enhancement:

Alcohol

Preferably beer and lots of it. Great for encouraging your team's hard men to go in for dangerous two-footed tackles on opponents. Can really make you feel good for 90 minutes, but then you can start to get heavy-legged and risk missing vital goals while you go for a pee. Can also leave you feeling tired and miserable for days afterwards if you're over 40.

Undoubtedly the football fan's favourite tipple, alcohol can make even France versus Uruguay seem like the most compelling game of end-to-end football you've ever seen. OK, maybe not even alcohol can do that. Which is why you might consider some slightly more risqué alternatives.

Cannabis and marijuana

If you smoke or otherwise consume enough of this, you won't care who wins as long as you have plenty of chocolate and crisps. Not a good idea to try ordering a Chinese takeaway while watching either of the two Korean sides, either, unless you want bean curd noodles with prawn cracker soup and a meat cleaver in your head for being a cheeky bastard.

You may find yourself laughing uncontrollably at the little Mexican and Japanese players (but see LSD, below) and at some of the many comedy commentating double-entendres and other funnies such as:

Bougherra goes in hard on Butt!

He's got Eggiman on the face, there.

Messi leaves Shittu trailing in his wake.

Pantsil's off!

Bong.

Amphetamines, ecstacy and cocaine

In theory, you might think any of these stimulants would be great for staying alert during the opening round of games, but as your brain processes information faster so these interminable games begin to last forever and - as we all know - you risk irreversible catatonia. Try explaining that to your mum and dad when they come to visit you in hospital with tubes coming out of your every orifice and some new ones you didn't have before.

If you must, make sure you're down the pub with your mates and you should have a great time spoiling everyone else's enjoyment of the game with your incessant yabbering. This is what all BBC and ITV commentators take before live games. You have been warned.

LSD and magic mushrooms

Hallucinogens. Watch football and expand your mind. Sounds too good to be true! Discover the meaning of life during the national anthems and spend the rest of the day communicating with the God of the Vuvuzelas or hiding in the cupboard under the stairs fearing that you are about to be abducted by giant lizard-men disguised as tiny insects working for your local council's refuse collection team.

Either way, it will be a life-changing experience. When watching Japan or Mexico, be prepared to spend the entire game marvelling at how small their players are and how big the opposition is. Whatever you do, you will need to read the sports news the following day in order to find out what happened.

Heroin, morphine and other opiate derivatives

Can make you feel like you won even when you lost. I try to stay away from these as a general rule at least until the latter stages of the competition. Then, as an England fan, they can be useful to sustain your enthusiasm in between games after the first knockout round and the quarter finals and before the final itself.

Long-term use is best left until after the tournament is completed or avoided all together. Warning: death is a likely outcome whether you use heroin or not.

Well, that's it. Please remember that none of this is to be taken seriously and do not try this at home, children, even if you're an adult.