Another Url, Another Planet

I didn't have any particularly strong feelings about London Mayor Boris YeltsinJohnson's Barmy Booze Ban on public transport, which came into effect on 1 June this year. I don't drink alcohol on Tubes and buses, mainly because they don't have toilets.

I do, however, enjoy an occasional can of Stella on my way home from work on the overground train and I don't see anything wrong with that. And Boris's Barmy Booze Ban doesn't cover the overground trains run by Network Rail.

Or does it?

I decided to find out.

Date: 15 September

To: queries@heathrowconnect.com

Subject: Alcohol Policy

Hello, Please tell me what is your alcohol policy (if you have one)? - for example, is it ok to drink a single can of beer on my way home from work from Paddington to Southall in order to make the unpleasant journey on a packed commuter train more bearable? If not, why not? Please also direct me to the page on your website which makes your alcohol policy (if you have one) clear and also the law or bye-law that applies to your policy (if you have one). I look forward to hearing from you. Many thanks,

First response comes from First Great Western, who obviously manage the Heathrow Connect service:

Date: 18 September From: FGW Customer Relations <fgw.feedback@firstgroup.com> Subject: Alcohol Policy Dear Mr Marsden Thank you for your email of 16 September 2008 regarding our alcohol policy. I can confirm we do have a policy in place. Please find below a copy of our policy: Intoxication and possession of intoxicating liquor (1) No person shall enter or remain on the railway where such person is unfit to enter or remain on the railway as a result of being in a state of intoxication. (2) Where reasonable notice is, or has been, given prohibiting intoxicating liquor on any train service, no person shall have any intoxicating liquor with him on it, or attempt to enter such a train with intoxicating liquor with him. (3) Where an authorised person reasonably believes that any person is unfit to enter or remain on the railway, or has with him intoxicating liquor contrary to Byelaw 4(2), an authorised person may: (i) require him to leave the railway; and (ii) prevent him entering or remaining on the railway until an authorised person is satisfied that he has no intoxicating liquor with him and/or is no longer in an unfit condition. We do sell alcohol on our services, which you can purchase. I hope this information helps. Thank you for contacting us. Yours sincerely Bernice [Surname removed for privacy] Customer Services Advisor

Well, this seems to say that it's not ok to be drunk on a train, which is fair enough. But it didn't quite satisfy me that it's ok to have a single can of beer:

Thanks for your very helpful response, Bernice. However, I'm still not clear as to where I stand, or sit, regarding my original question:

Is it ok to drink a single can of beer on my way home from work from Paddington to Southall in order to make the unpleasant journey on a packed commuter train more bearable? If not, why not?

If you can give me a specific answer to this question, I will be very grateful. Kind regards, David

Two days later I got quite different response, however: Thank you for your email of 18 September 2008 regarding the response that you received from my colleague. I can confirm that you are allowed to consume alcohol on-board our services as long as it is purchased from the buffet car or trolley service on the train, it is against railway bylaws to bring your own alcohol onto train services. Thank you again for contacting First Great Western. Yours sincerely Gareth [Surname removed for privacy] Customer Services Advisor

Damn! This is bad news. But wait. "... it is against railway bylaws to bring your own alcohol onto train services." Now, I really ought to check this out, too.

Railways Act 1993 - nothing about drinking at all that I can see. Railway Byelaws (PDF) - same as the FGW Policy quoted by Bernice, lots about all kinds of mildly anti-social behaviour and a requiring people to queue(!), but nothing about forbidding me from taking a can of Stella bought at the station on to the train.

Hmmm...

Hi Gareth, Thanks for you reply. Please tell me which railway bye-law stipulates that I can't take alcohol on to a train.

Date: 25 September Dear Mr Marsden Thank you for your email of 21 September 2008 addressed to Gareth. I have now had the opportunity to review this case and it appears that there has been some confusion with the information provided by my colleague. I can confirm as per the first response you were sent alcohol is permitted on board our services and you are permitted to take alcohol onto our services where a service has not been advertised in advance as "dry" i.e. no alcohol allowed. Services are generally only run as dry before and after sporting events on our network. I can therefore confirm that the information provided by Gareth was incorrect and I have taken this up with him directly as a training issue. Thank you once again for getting in touch and I trust I have clarified the situation. Yours sincerely Sue [Surname removed for privacy] Customer Services Team Manager

My emphasis.

Victory for common sense and the law and all the peaceful drinkers out there!

Just last month I had the pleasure of spending over an hour in the company of Andrew on the Transport for London Oystercard Helpdesk and numerous, mostly nameless voices at the Barclaycard OnePulse Oystercard Helpdesk. Actually, Helpdesk seems to me to be quite the perfect Orwellian Newspeak to use in order to adequately describe the full range of available help that these services offer to hapless customers like me. Helpdesk! Helpdesk! The more you say it and look at it, the more it resembles some kind of East European dyslexic Helpdesk! Hledpeski.

Where was I? That's right, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere (well, White City) with a Barclaycard OnePulse Oystercard that didn't work. I'd already had a friendly discussion with Daniel at Ealing Broadway Ticket Desk who assured me that he worked for Network Rail and therefore he was unable to help me with my season ticket even though it is valid on Network Rail. According to Daniel, I would have to travel to a London Underground station in order to do anything about my OnePulse card. I thought Ealing Broadway is a London Underground station? Could I speak to the manager? Why should I have to buy another ticket when I have a valid ticket already (verifiable online)? Daniel couldn't help me with any of these questions, but simply referred me to the ticket guards who informed me that my card didn't work - I already knew this, of course - and I should go to the ticket desk.

So, back to White City. The chap on the Helpdesk here couldn't help me either, although I did persuade him to vote for me should I ever stand for election with the manifesto to redistribute half of the wealth of the richest 5% of the population equally among the rest of us thereby making us all 50% better off (albeit at the risk of losing some rich people to permanent overseas residency) and providing free public transport. He told me to phone Transport for London. Hello Andrew.


Andrew - sounding plausibly like Scottish sports broadcaster Dougie Donnelly - was authoritatively reassuring. I explained that I wanted to transfer my season ticket from my now inoperable OnePulse card to my regular Oystercard, which I carry with me as a backup. This shouldn't be too difficult surely? After all, they are both registered to me at my online Oyster account. I'm sure I could transfer my season ticket myself when I got home. But I can't get home until I've transferred it. Why should I buy another ticket when I already have one? Dougie, I mean Andrew, said that unfortunately it wasn't possible to transfer my season ticket from my OnePulse to my Oystercard. OnePulse and Oyster use different systems and in any case he could only attempt such a transaction if I had lost my OnePulse card. Damn! I hadn't lost it as it was in my hand as we spoke! But, it's as good as lost!, I offered, hopefully. Sorry, no can do. Oops! There, I lost it! Now can you do it? No, I would have to register it as lost with Barclaycard. Bizarrely, he then offered to try anyway, to no effect.

He transferred me to Barclaycard. I spent a further hour on the phone to at least four of their "operatives". I suspect that they are computer generated voices a bit like those ones you get to activate a new credit card. The first one said I couldn't register my card as lost because it had been put "on hold". He transferred me to the fraud prevention department (FPD). They wern't there, and apparently could not take a message to call me back because they can't make outside calls, and after several failed attempts somehow I was put through to the London Ambulance Service.

Try again. By now I was determined to see this through, whatever happened. I had to give all my personal details once again and explain my story at least twice more to each person I spoke to.

My oystercard doesn't work. It has my season ticket on it. I want to transfer it to my other oystercard which does work. While you're at it, cancel my Barclaycard because it's rubbish.

The FPD told me there was no "hold" on my card and, yes, they could make outside calls. They transferred me back to customer service who registered my card as lost. Finally! No, I did not want a new one!. Yes, I was sure about that!!

I got back to Andrew right away. Triumphantly, as if Scotland were beating the Faroe Islands, he told me that although I had now registered my card as lost he still could not transfer my season ticket as I had to wait to receive my new Barclaycard.

When I got home I transferred my season ticket online.

At least it's not just me.

This morning I was roused from my warm bed by the ring of the doorbell. Could it be the postman (should that be postperson?) delivering personally an oversized package having failed to stuff it through our tiny letterbox? Or was it one of our neighbours' visitors pressing the wrong intercom buzzer, again?

Hello?

Hello. I'm bringing Peace and Goodwill to the World, today. What do you think about that?

That's a very good idea!

Good! The World needs more Peace and Goodwill and I'm here to raise the neighbours' consciousness of all the wars in the world.

OK. There are too many wars in the world. Perhaps you would be better talking to the government and the people in power. Ordinary people don't want wars, but it is the rich and powerful who stand to gain by sending poor people to their deaths in other countries.

Yes, well, I don't know who I'm talking to.

Well, I can assure you that I'm not a member of the government. They live in big houses with big cars outside. Their friends are even richer. This is a poor area. There are no members of the government here.

OK. Would you like to read a magazine?

Is it called "The Watchtower"?

Yes.

No thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

FGW Alert: Tue 20/6/2006
Full advertised service
Nat Rail: 08457484950

On arrival at the station I'm advised that my train is cancelled due to 'technical difficulties'. WTF does that mean?

How hard is it to send a text message advising your customers (I pay ?157.50 pcm) for this 'service' (the train not the text) of the actual, truthful state of the service?

I could have had an extra half an hour in bed or at home, or I could have taken the bus and tube option. Now I will be crammed on to the next train, which will have no extra capacity to accommodate us. Two trains in one. Wow! That's cost efficient!

Maybe next month I will just neglect to pay for my ticket claiming that I had 'technical difficulties' (I forget? It was too hot? Wrong kind of leaves on my broadband line?) and see what happens....

At least this morning I didn't have to deal with the jobsworth ticket inspector who once tried to fine me £20 for sitting in First Class when it was standing room only.

But there's something quaintly old-fashioned about commuting to work everyday while modern technology means that I could do most of the work I do from home.

Actually, it's just bloody annoying!

Take this morning. I decided on a new strategy to try to beat my natural inclination to stay in bed/at home even after I know I'm supposed to leave for work. I like to move very slowly in the mornings. My usual routine of a cup of tea while making packed lunch, reading email/news followed by shave, shower, breakfast, getting dressed was taking longer and longer. I figured that a lot of these activities I can carry out either the night before, or - in the case of breakfast and lunch - at work.

So my new routine was working fine this morning as I made my way to the train station for the 07:02 to London. It was a beautiful morning. The trains were running normally....

Except that they weren't.

For the first time in a while I made it to the station half an hour earlier than normal only to find that the two trains I usually miss had both been cancelled. I was just glad I put on an extra layer as I sat and shivered with a couple of other souls.

We weren't lonely for long, of course. By the time the 07:33 arrived there were three lots of pasengers waiting to get on a train that itself was already three times as full as normal. And so on at each of the three stops be ore London. It's bad enough when the trains are running on schedule - the second to last stop before London, you have no chance of ever getting a seat. Often you can't even board to stand.

At least there was one moment of relief. A frustrated would-be passenger held up the train for several minutes by refusing to let the doors close. The driver tried to reason with him as did other passengers. The driver cheerily informed him that he could sit there all day as he's getting paid ?25 per hour.... Shit, that's almost twice as much as me :-(

Wha's annoying is the lack of accurate and current information, the lack of adequate numbers of carriages and seats during peak times and the lack of any real alternatives. How difficult was it to resend an updated text message? Why aren't there more carriages? (Commuters must be the train companies' bread and butter customers, surely? Don't we deserve a seat?) And getting to London via bus or tube is not really a viable alternative from where I am, not for a delay of thirty minutes, anyway.

On a good day, of course, the train is great. It's just that those days are few and far between.