Last night, eight of us from Enfield Clubhouse went to Alexandra Palace to see London's largest and most popular fireworks display. Below are some photos and a video I took. The fireworks were pretty and spectacular - worth seeing, if you like that kind of thing!
After the fireworks, we climbed up the hill to the Palace itself and queued to get into the German Bier Festival. To call it a Festival is really a big overstatement. It's a few years since I went to a beer festival and it was most likely Up North in deepest, darkest Bury, Lancashire, or somewhere like that. Maybe they do them differently Down South, but this was a bit of a let down. One tiny little bar, like you might find in a marquee at a modern marketed music festival. One brand of German Bier - Paulaner - and only two varieties: Munich and Weiss. The Weiss was off by the time I had been pushed and shoved forward by the ten deep bar queue. If you didn't fancy Paulaner Munich, you could have that old Bavarian favourite, Foster's. And they insisted on calling it Beir, which makes me wonder how authentic it really was. Not that authenticity seemed to be high on the agenda as it was all served in the obligatory health and safety plastic beakers.
So, we all got beer and seats in the Great Hall by which time a bunch of Cockney Irish fiddlers and banjoists started murdering Pogues' classics, much to the delight of the mostly student audience who I'm sure were out of their minds by now. Not that it stopped one of the thieving little tykes nicking my beer when I laid it down to rest and turned my back for five minutes.
What followed is a little hazy - maybe the beir was real, after all.
I fear that I may have danced to Chas But Not Dave or Chas And His Band or whatever Chas 'n' Dave are now known as. I was a little disturbed by the large, bald bass player, especially when he kept repeating "Gertcha!" like an overly loud belch, totally drowning out scrawny-looking Chas on vocals.
To make matters worse, on leaving, I stopped for a Hot Dog.
"Sorry, no onions" said the serving assistant.
"Oh, that's a shame. I like onions on my Hot Dog. So. They are £3.00 with onions, right?"
"That's right, sir, but we don't have any onions left."
"No, you don't. So, if it's £3.00 with onions... how much is it for a Hot Dog without onions?"
"It's £3.00, sir. With or without onions."
By this time I was already in full Basil Fawlty mode. "I'd like a discount, please. If it's £3.00 for a Hot Dog with onions, then I'd like 20% off for a Hot Dog without onions."
"It's £3.00, sir. With or without onions."
"How can it be the same price, with or without onions?"
"It's £3.00, sir. With or without onions."
"So, can I have a discount, then or not? I'm willing to pay £2.40 for a Hot Dog without onions. If only you'd removed the empty onion trays and not told me you had no onions I'd never have known. Or you could scrape up the remaining slivers and let me have those...." Now, I felt like Yossarian in Catch-22 trying to get out of the Air Force by being crazy, but being told that he couldn't be crazy because he wanted to leave. And only a sane man would want to leave.
"I'm sorry, sir, there's nothing I can do. I can't give a discount. I just work here. It's £3.00, sir. With or without onions."
"You could give me a discount if you wanted to. I'm sure you could."
The guy (no pun intended) behind me piped up, offering to call the Office Of Fair Trading. I suggested that they might want to consult the Sale Of Consumer Goods Act.
"I can't give a discount, sir. It's £3.00, with or without onions."
"OK, I give in. I'll have a Hot Dog without onions for £3.00."
"You have to pay first, sir."
"What?! But you just gave him one! He hasn't paid yet!"
"I'm sorry, sir. You have to pay first and then I'll give you the Hot Dog."
A young American woman approached me. "Please stop harassing my staff, sir."
"What?! Harassing your staff?! You've got to be joking?!"
"No, sir. You're harassing my staff. Now, please stop it or I will have to call Security to come and remove you."
"All I want is a Hot Dog with onions for £3.00 as advertised. If you don't have onions, then fine, I'll buy a bareback Hot Dog for £2.40."
"Sir, you can buy a Hot Dog without onions for £3.00 or go without."
"Why can't you give me a discount?"
"I only work here, sir. I can't give you a discount."
"Hang on. I thought you were in charge? Surely you can use your discretion and keep your customers happy? I just spent plenty of money tonight on donating to the cost of the fireworks display and buying beer for me and my friends."
"What's your problem, mate?" asked a student grumpily and who looked like he had dyed his original wiry ginger hair black. "It says Hot Dogs £3.00. Doesn't say anything about onions."
"No, I know it doesn't say anything about onions. That's a very good point. And that's why I'm not going to engage you in any further conversation. Enjoy your Hot Dog! Thank you all and goodnight."
Thanks also, to Lee, Gemma, Michael, Atul, Dan, Raheem and Angelina for making it a fun night out. And my apologies for any offence caused to the Hot Dog stand workers.
March 16
Mr Marsden,
Thank for you email, please accept our apology for the delay in responding to you regarding this complaint. Due to a new complaint system being instigated and problems arising from its application, your complaint was not allocated correctly, hence the delay in response.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused and hope to resolve you complaint at the earliest opportunity.
Is this complaint with regard to Forking Noisy Bastards that you complained about in October last year? When I looked into this originally the company did have a 24hr operating licence, that being said if they are causing a noise disturbance to you we would be able to take some action. I have put a letter in the post to you detailing our service hours and contact numbers, please can you use our response service next time the noise is happening so that an officer can visit and assess the nuisance.
Once again, sorry for the delayed response.
Regards
Noise & Nuisance Officer
May 12
Thanks, Noise & Nuisance Officer.
Please find attached a scan of the Noise Disturbance Diary and a MP3 recording of the noise.
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
I haven't been able to get any of our neighbours to witness the noise. I believe that this maybe because our location is unique in that everyone else has some barrier between them and the source of the noise (e.g., the warehouse building itself or the surrounding fence). If you care to view Google maps you can see the view from the entrance to the works site straight through to our flat on the first floor, to the right.
I'd very much appreciate anything you are able to do to bring an end to this disturbance as currently my wife and I are having two or even three nights a week of interrupted sleep thanks to this noise.
Kind regards,
---
David Marsden
May 28
Dear Noise Nuisance Officer,
Could you please acknowledge receipt of my email of 12 May, below and let me know what the next steps will be?
Many thanks.
June 1
Further to this, please see this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMRCSwbkTb4), demonstrating perfectly the noise pollution I am complaining about and a what appears to be a perfect solution.
Note that I am emailing you at 1:54 am after being woken up yet again by this disturbance.
June 3
Noise & Nuisance Officer has not responded to any of my emails, below. Does she still work there?
10 minutes ago
Is there anybody out there?
Having been woken up by these forkers yet again on a Sunday night at 3am - and they are still going, started at 11pm - I am at the point of losing it. I commute for an hour and a half to work meaning I have to be up at 6:30. What are they doing that can only be done in the small hours? Drugs? Bombs? Anyone care?
From a Council Tax paying resident in the forgotten town of Shitton.
Good night, sleep well!
*Thanks to Andy C